The Thinker
by The Girl in the Red Jacket
Summary: The Billy piece for the Peacemaker/Hero series...I'm now going to start calling it the 'The' series because I can't think of a better name! If you can please tell me!


Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize.  
  
Author's Note: MERRY CHRISTMAS DIDI!!! I couldn't send you a present or a card or anything so I hope this is an okay subsitute!  
  
The Thinker  
  
  
I am a gee...No. I am a thinker.   
  
Recently my friends have started refusing to let my call myself a geek or a nerd or any other possible variation of the many put downs people come up with for individuals such as myself. Most do not understand the sting of those names and even I have, over time, gotten used to them. Now, as I am often informed, I should not be put down in such a way by anyone, but more specifically I should not put myself down. I do not do it consciously, nor do I wish to continue doing so unconsciously, but I find it somewhat difficult to adapt what has become my normal thought process.   
  
Geek, nerd, brainer, loser, dork, Poindexter, four-eyes...I could go on. The collection of names I have been called over the years is quite vast. I mentioned that fact to Jason once. That was three weeks ago and I have still not decided whether making that point was a mistake or not.   
  
Jason, and all of my other friends but Jason in particular, have never been fond of the fact I have been on the blunt end of teasing from the bullies we have encountered throughout our youth. Remarking on it in front of Jason brings out a very fierce protectiveness in him. I know this can be brought out under separate circumstances for everyone he holds dear to him but it has always been a bit astounding that I should be on the receiving end. I must admit that part of my astonishment may stem from the fact that, before Jason befriended me, I fond it bewildering to be on the receiving end of any form of kindness from a child close to my own age.   
  
I will not be telling my sometimes over protective friend that. Jason's anger at my former bullies would most likely increase ten fold. I generally try not to be a vindictive person and hold no grudge against any of them. I am not saying it did not, and does not still, pain me when I am the blunt end of jokes or cruel comments, nor am I saying I will be the one to offer my hand and make amends. Perhaps in the future I would consider doing such a thing but, truthfully, I still harbour the fear of being harassed even while offering the hand of friendship. No, all I am saying is that I foster no ill feelings towards anyone if I can possible help it.  
  
The only reason I would divulge some of my childhood, or current, insecurities would be because of that wonderfully warmth that seems to radiate off my comrades when I am unsure. Zack and Kim's warmth is more often than not present and noticeable. People sometimes form the opinion that Trini is too calm to contain the same mother hen nature that Kim does. Trini is the same only she saves it for the people she truly cares about. Tommy...if you catch Tommy when he is not trying to guard himself entirely he could easily be described as being extremely compassionate. And many have somehow decided that the idea of Jason being stoic and somewhat distant. I cannot see how. He is the first one of us that would rush to help fix a pair of broken wings or heal a shattered spirit.  
  
Lord knows he helped to heal me.   
  
That's the thing Jason cannot fathom. He cannot understand how he could have been my first friend. Of course, I did have "friends" only they were not exactly honest about their intentions. I now find it amazing how an eight year old can be used. It really is disgusting. Being in an advanced learning academy helped me to flourish intellectually but being one of the top students there was not good for me in any other way. It was mostly the older students, coming to me with the offer of friendship when really all they wanted was someone to copy a little research off of so to save them time.   
  
I hope it was worth it. Saving time for them almost crushed my spirit. It was nearly two years later before I was coaxed out of my self imposed prison by the person I now consider to be my best friend. It took weeks for me to accept the fact that Jason was not going to do that same and even longer for me to trust him but I did learn to trust him. With his help I learnt how to open up to people, even though I will probably only ever feel remotely comfortable being myself around people I care for a trust very deeply.   
  
In my heart I feel as though he truly saved me. When I have had no one else to go to he has been there or if he has not been physically able to be the one comforting me he is the reason I have four other wonderful people to make sure I will not suffer any undue pain. They have become the brightest lights when darkness descends upon my world.  
  
He doesn't know what nor do any of my other friends fully realize what they have done for me. They cannot understand it, well maybe Tommy can in a way but his isolation was even more self imposed than mine so he can't fully understand what I went through. They have always had friends, have always known that someone other than their family cared for them. Before Jason and Trini and Kim and Zack that knowledge was beyond me.   
  
Now I belong to something more important then friendship or even the team we have formed to defend the Earth. I truly believe we have passed the bonds of friendship and ventured into new territory. We really have turned into a family rather than a team of friends who try their very hardest to protect the Earth.   
  
I think that without them I would be lost now. We have come to depend on each other. It is quite understandable, if you think of how many horrendous things we have seen in our time as Rangers. Sometimes it is only Kim's eternal optimism that gets me through the day, other times I look to Trini's serenity to help me ground myself and often I find myself rely on Jason's strength and warmth to keep me from falling to pieces. In other moments where I find myself at my wit's end I will look to Zack's carefree spirit or Tommy's courage or even Zordon's wisdom. We count on each other to help ease the suffering we all feel.   
  
And it is true that some of us carry more heavy a burden on our shoulders than others. I know there are some days when Trini is ready to break down and at times you can tell, if you are very close to him, that Jason is tired. Sometimes he seems so weary I wonder how he can possible stand and marvel that, no matter what, he does and with seeming ease. I know Trini has come to rely on Jason in ways she never has before.   
  
They love each other, that much I can tell. They haven't told the rest of us yet and I would not know if I had not seen Jason holding Trini, while she cried, in a usually deserted corner of the park one day. He would not hesitate to embrace any of us when we were in any kind of pain but there was something in the way he held her...it was blatantly obvious to even me that he cared more deeply for her than a brother would care for a sister. Or perhaps not more deeply but certainly in a different way altogether.   
  
It is assumed that I harbour some kind of feelings for Trini. This cannot be farther from the truth. I have never actually had any type of crush on her. I did hide my admiration for Kim for a few years but grew out of those feelings quite awhile ago. No, I have come to view both of my female teammates in such a way that it seems inappropriate for me to have a crush on them. They are sisters to me and I do hope they always will be.   
  
Family. It has always been my weak spot. For a very long, lonely time the only people I had were my parents and grandparents. Even my cousins seemed to have a bit of disdain for my ner...above average intellect when we were younger.   
  
Then I found by, or rather was taken under the wing of, Jason and not long after developed friends in Trini and Zack. Kim would join later after I lost the dearest person in my life. My mother.  
  
I still miss her.  
  
I know it was better that she went quickly. The car crash happened so fast, she most likely never felt any pain at all but...but in my more selfish moments I wish I could have had more time to get used to the idea that I would have to survive without her. That she would no longer glance up from the Saturday crossword puzzle and smile at me when I walked down stairs on the weekend mornings. Then I berate myself for wishing she had lived longer because I am well aware if she had not been killed instantaneously, as the doctors said she had been, she would have been in pain. Probably a tremendous amount of pain. I would never wish her any pain.  
  
Having friends then, real friends, helped more than I can ever express. My father...I love my father very much, there's no doubt of that, but he changed after her death. He become only a shadow of the man I have always looked up to. Slowly he's healed and is now more the man he was when my mother was still alive but I have doubts that he will ever be as he once was.  
  
It hurt, at first, that he seemed to lose all interest in my welfare. For a long time I thought that he no longer cared for me. I now have come to understand that he was simply hurting himself and did not know how to help me. I know I have a firm spot in his heart even if he can still be a bit absentminded on occasion.  
  
"Billy?" Speak of the devil. Guess who's looking for me?  
  
"Yeah, dad?" I call back from my lab. I had not meant to get so caught up in my thoughts. A glance at the clock reveals I have been, as Zack would say, "zoning out" for the past half an hour. No wonder I did not register that my father had arrived home.  
  
"Jason is on the phone." He tells me as he stands in the doorway. I see the frown flicker over his face before he speaks again. "Are you alright?"  
  
"Yes, why would you think I am not?" I asked, slightly confused.  
  
"You cheek is bruised. What happened?" He asks, clearly concerned.  
  
"I do? Oh..." I have been an expert at collecting bruises from the time I learned to walk but, because of the battles we become involved in now, it seems I have been gaining more than my usual number. "I over shot a move in one of the new katas I need to make my blue belt and landed quite ungracefully on the mats. I did not expect it would leave a bruise."  
  
He looks at me and I try not to squirm. I hate lying to him but I can't exactly tell him a large, ridiculously named monster that somewhat resembled a chicken knocked me about twenty feet. Not only would I be breaking my oath of silence to Zordon but also no one in the world would ever believe me.   
  
"Be careful, okay?" He says finally, though I do not think he believes me entirely. He knows that I have always been embarrassed about being harassed by cretins like Bulk and Skull and probably assumes that is why I feel the need to make up a story.  
  
"I will, Dad." I promise, sincerely. I am careful, but being careful does not mean you are safe when battling Rita's monsters.  
  
When he leaves I pick up the line I have in our garage. I'm not sure why I didn't hear it ring. I do not usually get *that* lost within my thoughts. At least, when they are not thoughts about Zord repairs or particularly complex inventions.  
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Hey, Billy. Are you okay?" Jason asks immediately.  
  
"Why wouldn't I be?" I ask in return.   
  
"You took a pretty bad hit today." Jason replies.  
  
Oh honestly! Not again! I should expect it though, Jason worries about me and probably not only the other Rangers but ever single citizen of Angel Grove. That's simply the way he operates. I have never figured out how it is atomically possible for him to have as big a heart as he posses.   
  
"I am perfectly fine, Jase. I was not even aware I had been injured sufficiently enough to form bruising until it was pointed out to me, by my father, when he was informing me of your endeavour to communicate with me." I reply. "Besides, you were hit worse than I was in the confrontation we were forced to partake in this afternoon."  
  
"Yes, but I know I'm alright already." Jason tells me. I know then he's either called, or is going to call, every Ranger to check up on them tonight.  
  
"I can assure you there is nothing wrong with my physical being." I catch my slip before I have even uttered the words and can only hope Jason does not also hear it.  
  
"Is your father in the room?" Jason questions. That comment catches me a bit off guard so I do not have time to ponder why it is being asked.  
  
"No, I assume he proceed to the kitchen after informing me of your call..."  
  
A light flash of red cuts me off and in the next instant Jason has materialized in my garage. He looks a bit weary and is wearing a most impressive bruise on his shoulder. It is very probable that it spreads onto his back where his skin is hidden by a red tank top but, as per usual, his eyes are alert and compassionate.   
  
"That's a nice shiner you got there." He remarks, inspecting it briefly himself.   
  
"I could use the same words to describe your injury. As I recall you said you were alright?" I remark dryly. That is typical of Jason, making a mountain out of a molehill when it concerns my slight injury but paying no heed of his own.  
  
"It'll be gone in a day." Jason replies easily. That I cannot disagree with. The Power seems to accelerate our bodies healing process to a very rapid rate.   
  
"Was it really worth your while to teleport here simply so you could see a much less notable bruise than your own?" I know the answer already; I'm simply hoping he doesn't.  
  
"That's not why I came. I'm not that bad." Jason smiles briefly before his dark eyes meet mine. I have never been able to fathom how he is able to make it seem alright for you to lay your soul bear to him and burden him with the weight on your shoulders with a simple glance. I am, however, very glad and relieved he can though I will try to get out of doing so if I can.  
  
"What's wrong, Billy?" Jason asks quietly, still holding me with that gaze.   
  
I know how this works. All of the Rangers have played this part with Jason before. If you can look him in the eye and say that nothing is wrong than he will back off. There are very few people who can look into those soul-searching eyes of his and tell him a boldfaced lie so he always takes your word for the truth.  
  
I have never been able to lie to him so I say nothing and cast my eyes to the floor.   
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"   
  
The second question is always spoken in a tone of gentle concern. You can say no and if you do he will not press you for more. He simply waits until you feel comfortable enough to begin. I know he waited patiently for weeks until Tommy was ready to discuss whatever it is that troubles his mind so. I, however, never have liked waiting long to speak with my big brother, especially when he offers an ear.  
  
"You know I hate fighting," I begin, a bit uneasily. "I detest what fighting does to people, even if they are not directly involved in the conflict. I find it even worse when they wish to not be affected but are by no way of their own."   
  
"I know." Is all Jason replies with as he waits patiently for me to elaborate  
  
"I wish I knew of another way to go about this. Sometimes, I doubt that I am as capable as you or Trini or any of the others in fighting ability and cannot help but think that another person would be better in my stead." I cannot meet Jason's eyes when I say this. It is taxing enough to force the words from my mouth.  
  
Jason sighs softly in response. "Billy, we've had this conversation before. You have no reason to doubt yourself or what you can do. Maybe you aren't the fighter that Trini is, or Zack is but Trini's been studying kung fu for most of her life and Zack started taking karate with me when he was twelve. You just started recently letting me teach you and you're doing a fantastic job already! Besides, you've saved our butts more times than I can count."  
  
His eyes meet mine again and for a moment I fidget, feeling as though he can see right though my physical being and straight into my soul. I turn away first, knowing he will never do so. "Billy, I know you, you get like this when something happens that bothers you. So what is wrong, really? What happened? Or," He pauses, "what did you see?"  
  
At this point I have reached the conclusion that Jason does indeed know me far to well. "Do you know the causalities we sustained today?"  
  
I expect Jason's nod. He always knows. "Four people are dead. Six are wounded, one of those is in critical."  
  
It's less than usual, I suppose I should be gratefully for that. "There were a large number of children in the area where the monster began its primary attacks attacked. I believe that one of them was having a birthday party."  
  
Jason gives me that piercing gaze again. We have both arrived at the realization of what has been tormenting my heart since the battle. I only understood it myself when the words were sliding over my tongue.  
  
"So that's it." Jason deduces, looking at me carefully. "You and Kim did a good job getting them to safety. No kids were hurt in today's battle. It's not often we can get a group that big away with no deaths and one injury."  
  
"Injury?" I echo softly.  
  
"A very slight injury," Jason adds. "One of the little girls had a bit of a gash on her arm that required a few stitches. That's all, Billy. They were a little frightened but weren't harmed."  
  
"Terrified, you mean." I correct him without thinking. "They had planned on an outing to celebrate a friend's birthday and ended up being caught in the middle of a battleground..."   
  
"And then they were saved and lead to safety by the Blue and Pink Power Rangers." Jason finishes, "Who made sure they came to no harm whatsoever so that the only thing they'll take away from the experience is a few nights of bad dreams and the knowledge that the Power Rangers protected them."  
  
"What happened still is not right. It should not have happened. Any nightmares they have will be more than they should have." I insist.  
  
"I'm not disagreeing with you there, bro." Jason concedes as his eyes suddenly turn distant. If I know how I would reach out to him as he has done and is currently doing for me as it seems as though he is recalling some memory he is not fond of. "Very little of what we fight against could be considered right, if any of it could."  
  
"That does not make it easier to bear." I sigh softly, wishing for a moment that being a Power Ranger did not include carrying such a heavy burden.   
  
"No, I suppose it doesn't but knowing that we are fighting should." Jason pauses, waiting until I meet his gaze. When I do the weight on my shoulders seems to almost instantaneously lighten. "We can't keep everyone from getting hurt or frightened. None of us can spread out that far but we do the best we can and sometimes even surpass that limit. What we do, what we fight for, is important and in doing so we have managed to save a lot of people."  
  
Jason reaches out and gently touches my cheek. It takes me a moment to realize he's wiped away quite a few drops of moisture from my face. When did I start crying? I cannot seem to recall when my tears began and now I desperately want to hide them.   
  
But Jason only smiles sadly, ignoring the blush that stains my cheeks. "We can't save everyone, Billy, no matter what we do. Whatever action we take chances are someone is going to get hurt and a lot of the time one of us will be hurt too. The only thing we can do is keeping fighting and hope that one day there won't be a need for us to anymore. And I know we won't lose, we can't lose, because we have each other to lean on when things get tough. No matter what, none of us are ever alone."  
  
Jason hugs me briefly then and, though I do not show it, I am grateful for what the momentary display of affection symbolizes.   
  
We talk for a long time after that but the conversation changes to simpler areas, such as school and our families and the friendship we share as it appears to the rest of the world. It helps me remove my thoughts from the more painfully plans they tend to wander into to. Sometimes I feel as if my mind is a minefield, waiting to blow up whenever a certain thought or memory triggers one of the bombs.   
  
And in those too often occurring moments I am not fond of being a thinker. 


End file.
